(Paul) 'I think that if Helen hadn't given me an ultimatum that it was couples counselling or we were finished, and if I hadn't heard the desperation in her voice that made me finally listen, we wouldn't be together now.

We'd tried couples counselling a year or so ago, with an organisation specialising in couples work, but we'd come away disappointed. It didn't work for us for lots of reasons, but the main reason was that it became clear that we needed 'deeper' help somehow to help me to discover why I was behaving so jealously, and why I felt so frightened and insecure. The counsellor seemed to want to give us homework that was designed to help me behave differently, but what it didn't do was change the feelings way down inside me that meant that Helen couldn't help knowing what was going on inside me no matter how differently I tried to behave, or how much she tried to change her responses to what she knew I was feeling.

I will be forever grateful that a friend gave me Janny's number. We could feel the difference as soon as we started talking together. She picked up everything that was going on. I mean, the subtle things, the things that could seem so little you might miss them, but which are really the big things because they show exactly what's going on.

We didn't only talk about now, the way we'd been led to do before. Janny encouraged us to dig much more deeply than that. We talked about our experiences growing up, and how these had influenced how we might relate to a partner, our fears and how we might act those out, who we represented for each other, how that might be influencing the ways we tried to talk about things or try to resolve them.

It was both fascinating and a shock to gradually discover just how much of our past experiences we had brought into our relationship. I came to understand, for instance, that the reason Helen would leave the room and go silent if I became angry was because her Dad had a big temper and would lose control if he got angry. Any sign that I was getting angry triggered those old memories, and made Helen want to get away.

Once Helen had been helped to explain that, I could see that my own memories of how my Mum used to not speak to me if I had done something that upset her, and how much that had frightened me because it felt as if she didn't love me anymore, meant that I felt I had to pursue Helen and try to make her speak to me because it felt like her shutting down meant she didn't love me.

Looking back now, all that sounds a bit silly. But in the heat of it, it all felt very real for us both, and it was frightening how intense the feelings were.

Once we both started to understand those dynamics - and more importantly, where they came from in the first place - we started to feel so much more positive and hopeful. Janny helped us through some pretty difficult discussions, and supported us in finding ways of communicating that took those old 'buttons (her word) into account. I can't tell you how freeing that became. We found a new level of respect and carefulness towards each other simply from being helped to appreciate just how complicated the different levels that we relate on actually are.

And the really great thing was that Janny helped us to do all that in a completely non-judgemental way. There was no blame, now or for the past, but just a really empathic understanding of why we do the things we do.

That was the key, really. Understanding why we do the things we do, with kindness and respect. Janny showed us how to let go of all the 'you shoulds' and replace them with 'How can we...?' or 'What would be helpful...?' The experience of being listened to so intently and deeply, and of having such a positive role model in Janny showing us so much more effective ways to be supportive of each other rather than blaming each other, has been truly transformative.'